Section 3: Develop Rapport & Connection Fast
11. Fear Of Approaching People
Now let’s talk about the fear of approaching people.
So let me ask you a question.
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to approach someone but you didn’t because you felt this uncomfortable feeling in your stomach?
Has it already happened to you?
Of course, because it happens to everyone.
So it’s called the fear of approaching.
It’s something that everyone has and some people have it to a certain extent.
It means that some people are paralyzed by this fear of approaching and some people have learned how to deal with it.
So in this lecture, I would like to talk about the fear of approaching and I would like to share with you four techniques that you can use to decrease it because you cannot remove it, but you can decrease it.
So let’s start with why do we have this fear?
So let’s imagine that thousands and thousands of years ago I was in a tribe, so I was in a tribe and the group was protecting me.
They were giving me food and I was in a safe environment.
And what would happen if I would get rejected?
Basically, I would die because I couldn’t survive.
And nowadays we still have that ingrained in our brain.
It means that if we approach people and we think that we’ll get rejected, we think that we will die.
I know that it’s silly, but back in the days it was useful to have this association.
If we get rejected from a group, we would die.
But now it’s not serving us when we are at a networking event and we want to network with high end clients, it’s not serving us.
So we have to take care of that and to really deal with that.
So I’d like to share with you now the four techniques that you can use to decrease this fear so that you can really dare to act and approach new people.
The first technique I would like to share with you is to approach as soon as possible.
In other words, when you see the person that you would like to approach, I would like you to go as soon as possible.
When you have the intention of approaching someone, just go right away.
Why?
Because the more you wait, the more this fear will build up.
The more you wait, the more this fear will really prevent you from acting.
So when you see someone, you go right away.
Now, I know it’s easy to say, but sometimes you may be stressed or you may be overthinking and then you don’t approach.
So what happens if the fear is already there?
You haven’t approached it as soon as possible.
What happens?
So what you do is that it’s not game over, so don’t worry.
What you do is that you just forget that you want to approach this person.
So let’s say that I arrive at a networking event.
There is someone I want to approach and I can’t and I don’t approach as soon as possible.
And the fear is already there and I cannot approach.
So what I will do is that I will just forget that I want to approach this person.
I will just forget and do something else.
I will have a drink.
I will talk with someone else.
I will just do something else and then my brain will forget that I have to approach this person.
So the fear of approaching will decrease.
And then what I will do is that I will just turn and I will see this person again and say, Oh, my intention is to approach this person now and I will go right away.
It will be really easier so that the fear doesn’t have time to build up.
So next time that you see someone you want to approach, go right away.
The second technique I would like to share with you here is to think in terms of benefits, because let’s illustrate that here with an example.
Let’s say that I have a box here, and in this box there is a spider, a snake, and something that you are really afraid of.
And in the other box there is a $10 bill.
Which box would you choose?
You would say, Oh, I want the $10 bill box.
Yes.
It’s easy.
It’s an easy choice.
Why did you do that?
Because you wanted to go where the pleasure was and you wanted to run away from the pain.
So that’s the same thing when you want to approach someone.
If you always look in terms of everything that you can lose from an interaction, because most people say, I don’t want to approach because I can get rejected, people can perceive that I’m not good enough, People can make fun of me and they have all these negative associations and the focus on the negative things before approaching.
And it’s the same thing as choosing the box with the spider and with the snake.
What you should do instead is add the benefits and ask yourself this question What can I gain from this interaction?
And it will be really easier for you because your brain will see all the benefits that it has to approach.
And you will be.
It will be easier for you to approach and your fear of approaching will decrease.
For example, you are at a networking event.
The benefits could be that you could get a new client, you could get a raise, you could have a great conversation, you could network with someone that can introduce you to another person.
And if you list in your brain all the things that you can gain, it will be easier.
You are talking to your boss and you want to talk to your boss and you want to ask for a raise and you are really afraid to approach your boss.
What you should do is before going to your boss, you just write down a list between 5 and 10 things that you can gain from the interaction and you will see that it will be easier to act.
You can do this exercise at home or in your car before going to a social place.
You just take a piece of paper and you write down between 5 and 10 things that you can gain from the interaction.
And from now on, I would like you to switch your focus from being negative or not really thinking about that to being really positive and thinking in terms of benefits that you can gain if you approach someone and you will see that it will be really easier to approach.
The third technique would be to approach anyone, approach who you want, approach the first person that you see in a new environment.
Why?
Because back in the days when you wanted to approach a new group of people that you didn’t know, it was really difficult because you didn’t know who the group was and you didn’t know if it was safe to approach that group because a caveman could come and smash your head with a stone.
That could happen back in the days.
So we still have this fear.
So now when you are approaching a new group of people, you don’t know if it’s safe to approach this person, to talk to this person.
So what you should do is as soon as possible, approach the first person that you see.
It can be a bouncer, it can be a bartender, It can be the first person that you see at the networking events or in a restaurant and just say, Hi, how is your night?
Hi, my name is Alan.
How is your night?
And it will really show your brain show proof that you can start talking to people in this environment and you fear of approaching will decrease.
When I was studying at university, I had to give presentations and I was stressed.
So when I had to give a presentation in front of 100 people what I would do before giving the presentation, I would just ask a simple question.
So I would raise my hand and ask a simple question to the teacher.
And most people didn’t understand why I was always doing that.
It’s just because I wanted to show my brain that I was able to be loud and to talk in that environment and nothing would happen.
And then I was more comfortable giving the presentation.
So this was technique number three.
Technique number four is that you should make fun of your fear, make fun of it.
Most people make a big deal out of this fear of approaching.
The more you think that this fear is huge and preventing you from acting, the more it will.
So make fun of it.
And name it.
Name it.
Why?
Because if you try, if you can illustrate this fear, that’s easier.
So I try to name it and to really make fun of this fear.
So my fear is name Carlos and Carlos.
I imagine it’s a really small guy that is sitting on my shoulders and I know that Carlos will always be there when I would have to approach people and I will make fun of him.
So it means that I am talking to I want to talk to people.
So I am in a bar and I’m stressed and I imagine that Carlos is here is my fear of approaching and I make fun of him.
I imagine that I have to take care of him like he lives through me and I make fun of him.
So I say, Okay, Carlos, you are here again.
You won’t succeed this time.
You won’t be able to prevent me from approaching.
And I make fun of it.
And as I make fun of it, it’s not a big deal anymore.
And then it’s easier to approach.
So that was it in this lecture.
The fear of approaching is something that everyone has.
You cannot remove it, but you can decrease it.
First, you should accept that the fear is there.
Just say the fear is there.
I accept it.
And then you can use the four techniques.
You can use the four techniques at the same time.
Or you can use one and then another one.
And then the other day another one.
You can mix it up.
The first technique was to approach as soon as possible.
The second technique was to think in terms of benefits.
The third technique is to approach the first person that you see in any environment, just to show proof to your brain that it’s okay to approach people in that environment.
And the fourth technique is to make fun of it and you name it.
You find a name that you think is funny in your head, and then you make fun of it when you are talking to people.
以下是这些词汇在原笔记（Fear Of Approaching People）的语境及对应的中文解释，帮助你理解它们在文章中的含义：
- Rapport
- 含义：融洽、和谐、相互信任的关系。
- 在文中的语境：指当你与他人交流时所要建立的良好“互动关系”，让彼此感到舒适和信任。
- paralyzed
- 含义：瘫痪的、无法行动的。
- 在文中的语境：当人被“恐惧”支配时，会“动弹不得”或完全没有勇气主动行动，像被“吓瘫”一样。
- tribe
- 含义：部落。
- 在文中的语境：指原始社会以部落形式生活的人群，作者用它来解释远古时期人类若被部落排斥，就可能失去生存保障。
- ingrained
- 含义：根深蒂固的、深入人心的。
- 在文中的语境：一些“怕被拒绝”的本能反应早已深深刻在我们的大脑结构中，难以完全根除。
- silly
- 含义：愚蠢的、可笑的。
- 在文中的语境：形容“害怕被拒绝就好像会死”这种反应在现代社会看起来有点“荒唐或可笑”，但却是远古遗留下来的本能。
- association
- 含义：联想、关联。
- 在文中的语境：当你的大脑把“被拒绝”和“生存危险”联系到一起，就形成了“被拒绝=会死”的错误认知。
- serving
- 含义：起作用、发挥效用。
- 在文中的语境：在远古社会，恐惧被部落排斥对生存确实有帮助，但在现代社交场合，“这种恐惧”就不再能“起到正面作用”了。
- build up
- 含义：逐渐累积、增强。
- 在文中的语境：当你迟迟不行动去接近对方，内心的恐惧和压力会“越攒越多”，导致你更难开口。
- intention
- 含义：意图、目的。
- 在文中的语境：你在社交场合注意到某人，心里产生想要“去接近、去交流”的“意图”，这在行动前尤为关键。
- perceive
- 含义：察觉、感知、看待。
- 在文中的语境：担心别人如何“看待”你（比如会不会认为你“没那么好”或“不合适”），从而产生顾虑。
- associations
- 含义：联想、关联（注意与前面的“association”用法相似）。
- 在文中的语境：指你脑子里出现的各种负面“联想”，例如“被嘲笑”“被拒绝”等。
- caveman
- 含义：穴居人；原始人。
- 在文中的语境：作者借“穴居人”来形象说明原始时代面对陌生部落的危险，如被攻击等，这就是社交恐惧的远古来源。
- smash
- 含义：猛击、打碎。
- 在文中的语境：指原始社会中，若随意闯入陌生部落，可能会被“猛击”或攻击的恐怖后果。
- bouncer
- 含义：保镖，夜店或酒吧的安保人员。
- 在文中的语境：作者举例说，在新环境里先和保安或门卫之类的人聊两句，可以帮助你打破僵局、消除紧张。
- bartender
- 含义：调酒师、酒吧服务员。
- 在文中的语境：同样是指在新环境里，你可以先与调酒师进行互动，借此“热身”和适应现场氛围，减轻开口恐惧。
Takeaway
Key Takeaways – Overcoming the Fear of Approaching People
- Accept That the Fear Exists
- It’s natural to feel apprehensive about approaching someone new; it’s rooted in our survival instincts from ancient times.
- You can’t eliminate this fear completely, but you can manage and reduce it.
- Approach as Soon as Possible
- The longer you wait, the more your imagination magnifies the fear.
- If you don’t go immediately, distract yourself for a moment, then approach without overthinking it.
- Focus on Benefits Rather Than Risks
- Write down several positive outcomes you might gain from talking to someone (e.g., making a connection, a potential business opportunity).
- This reframes your mindset to see approaching as an opportunity, not a threat.
- “Warm Up” by Approaching Anyone
- In a new environment, greet the first person you see (bartender, doorman, etc.).
- This proves to your brain that it’s safe to speak up in this setting, making it easier to approach others.
- Have Fun with Your Fear
- Lighten its power by personifying or naming it (e.g., calling it “Carlos”).
- Joke about your fear when it shows up, reminding yourself that it’s not a big deal and you can still take action in spite of it.
By accepting the presence of fear, acting quickly, focusing on the potential upsides, warming up in new settings, and playfully diminishing anxiety, you’ll make approaching people a less daunting and more rewarding experience.
以下是在 Key Takeaways – Overcoming the Fear of Approaching People 摘要中所出现的词汇及其含义，结合上下文为你解读：
- apprehensive
- 含义：担心的、忧虑的。
- 文中语境：当你即将接近或主动和陌生人说话时，你可能感到紧张、担忧，这就叫 “感到 apprehensive”。
- instincts
- 含义：本能。
- 文中语境：人类远古时期遗留下来的“生存本能”——担心被群体排斥、因而害怕主动接近陌生人的心理机制。
- eliminate
- 含义：消除、根除。
- 文中语境：指想要“彻底根除害怕接近陌生人的恐惧”。文中提到无法彻底消除，但可以减弱或管理。
- magnifies
- 含义：放大、夸大。
- 文中语境：若你迟迟不行动，恐惧在脑海中会被“放大”，想象出各种最糟糕的情况。
- reframes
- 含义：重新定义、换个角度看问题。
- 文中语境：从“可能被拒绝”转换为“可能获得什么好处”来思考，可以让你更积极地面对社交场合。
- bartender
- 含义：酒吧调酒师。
- 文中语境：在陌生环境可以先和调酒师或任何“容易开口”的人搭讪，给自己一个“暖场”，证明此处是安全的。
- doorman
- 含义：门卫、看门人。
- 文中语境：同上，先跟门卫或迎宾人员打招呼，以减轻在新环境与陌生人互动的压力。
- speak up
- 含义：开口说话、大声表达想法。
- 文中语境：指在公众场合或新环境里主动开口、与他人互动。
- setting
- 含义：环境、场合。
- 文中语境：指你所处的社交环境，如会议、活动场所、酒吧等。
- Lighten
- 含义：减轻、缓和、使变得轻松。
- 文中语境：让对恐惧的看法“变得轻松”，例如用幽默的方式处理，使恐惧不再显得那么严重。
- personifying
- 含义：人格化、拟人化。
- 文中语境：给恐惧一个名字或形象，如“把恐惧想象成一个叫Carlos的小人”，从而用戏谑方式与其对话。
- upsides
- 含义：好处、正面结果。
- 文中语境：与他人交流所可能带来的各种“益处”，如交朋友、拓展人脉等，能帮助你更积极地看待接近陌生人的行为。
- playfully
- 含义：嬉闹地、有趣地、带着玩笑心态地。
- 文中语境：用一种轻松、有趣的方式来处理恐惧，戏谑地对待它，让自己不那么严肃或紧绷。
- diminishing
- 含义：减少、降低。
- 文中语境：通过各种方法让恐惧“逐渐减弱”，不至于干扰你行动。
- daunting
- 含义：令人望而生畏的、令人生怯的。
- 文中语境：接近陌生人可能令人感到压力或畏惧，这就是“daunting”之处。
- rewarding
- 含义：有益的、有回报的、值得的。
- 文中语境：指克服恐惧、主动接近他人后，往往能获得友谊、商业机会或其他积极回报，所以这个过程是“rewarding”。
中文摘要
如何克服接近他人的恐惧 – 中文要点总结
- 接受恐惧的存在
- 这种“不敢主动上前打招呼”的紧张源自远古生存本能。
- 无法彻底根除，但可以学会有效减弱、管理。
- 四大方法，助你勇敢开口
- 尽早行动
- 一旦决定想和某人聊天，就立刻去做，别让恐惧“越攒越多”。
- 若已错过最佳时机，可先做点别的事转移注意力，再“突然”走过去打招呼。
- 放大好处，淡化风险
- 列出可能收获的好处（交朋友、开拓人脉、获取商业机会），降低“被拒绝”的负面联想。
- 在脑海中强化“利大于弊”的观念。
- 在新环境先“热身”
- 刚到陌生场合，可先和门卫、调酒师等“容易开口”的人聊两句，向大脑证明这里是安全的。
- 这样后续再和他人交流会更放松。
- 以幽默和戏谑对待恐惧
- 给恐惧取个名字或形象，比方叫“Carlos”，把它当作个可笑的小东西，能大大减弱其威力。
- 尽早行动
- 始终记住：你不会因此“丢命”
- 现代社会被人拒绝并不致命，恐惧感更多是心理暗示。
- 接受恐惧、快速行动、看重潜在回报，并让自己放松地对待这些压力，都能让你更轻松地迈出第一步。
