Section 2: Start & Have Powerful First Interactions
3 What To Say In Social Interactions
What to say in social interactions.
First, I would like to say that most people focus too much on what to say and not enough on the nonverbal, because did you know that a communication between human beings, 7% is words. Only 7%, and 93% is the nonverbal.
It means that it’s your voice, your eye contact, your energy level, your body language.
The 93% are more important than just the 7%. Words are only 7%. So it’s not as important as everyone thinks.
It’s more important, how you say things than what you say.
And I understood that what is important is not what you say, but what is important is that what you say is aligned with who you are and that is expressed in the moment.
If you are authentic（adj. 真的；真正的；可靠的；可信的） and you talk to people, you share yourself freely with the other person.
Like I’m talking to you right now, I’m just expressing myself. It will be more authentic than having a script, and that’s just reading a script that is not even mine.
So what I want to say is don’t stress too much on what to say. As long as you have good intentions, as long as you are just expressing yourself, you could basically talk about everything.
It’s not about what you say that is important. It’s the fact that you are the one saying it.
Let’s discuss what you can say in social interactions.
Most people think that it’s only you and the other person, so it means that you can only talk about what is happening between you and the other person.
But what they forget is that there is also what is happening around you.
So there is the environment, there is what happened before in this environment, what will happen in the future in this environment?
There is my past, there is my present and there is my future. There is also your present, your past, your future.
So if we are talking together, there are a lot of things that we could talk about.
So next time that you are talking to someone, remember that it’s not only you and the other person,
it’s your past, your present, your future, the other person’s past, present, future,
the environment that is around you and what happened before in that environment and what will happen after in these environments.
The first questions that I would ask when I approach someone, so I approach someone, I compliment them, I ask a question or I introduce myself,
Then the question I would ask is, how do you know each other if I’m approaching a group or what brings you here?
Why? Because it’s a great way to start knowing each other. It can be in business or it can be in relationships.
So if I’m approaching a group, how do you know each other? so that I can understand the group dynamic.
在这里，“dynamic”指的是群体内部成员之间的相互作用和关系方式。了解一个群体的“dynamic”可以帮助你理解他们之间的关系是怎样的，比如他们是朋友、同事、还是有其他关系，以及他们互动时的风格和气氛。这样的理解可以让你更好地融入这个群体或者进行交流。
Or I can just ask What brings you here so that I know why the person is here.
短语 “What brings you here?” 是一种常见的询问方式，用来问对方为什么会出现在这个地方或参加这个活动。这是一个开放性的问题，可以帮助你了解对方的目的、动机或者是背景原因。使用这个问题可以非常自然地开始一段对话，同时也能获得有关对方当前情况的信息。
And the intention that the person has is the person here to have fun, to find a client, to have a great night, to find a new friend. Why is this person here? So that I can really understand better.
Then most people would say don’t ask the boring questions.
And I would say you can ask the boring questions. Why? Let me illustrate that.
Where are you from? What do you do? Do you come here ofter?
Or you could say, Hey, do you come here often? When do you do? Where are you from?
“When do you do?” 的意思是在问你做什么工作或者你的职业是什么。回答这个问题时，你可以直接说明你的工作，比如说 “I am a teacher”（我是一个老师）或者更详细一点，如 “I work as an engineer at a tech company”（我在一家科技公司担任工程师）。当然，如果你是学生或者目前没有工作，也可以说 “I’m a student”（我是学生）或者 “I’m currently looking for a job”（我目前在找工作）。
It’s not about what you say, the questions that you ask, but it’s about the energy that you have behind them.
So as long as you are feeling great and you have great emotions, you can ask the boring questions and it will be okay.
Because remember, words are only 7%. What is behind the words is what is really important. So it’s the 93%. So you can ask those questions.
You can also talk about the environment. You can talk about the music. You can talk about the place, about the food, about the wine. You can talk about the conference that was there before. You can talk about the presentation that the person gave.
You can talk basically about anything you can see here.
What I want to give you is a framework that I would like you to have. A freedom of choice about what you say.
But my suggestion would be to have an intention (意图，打算).
When you start an interaction with someone, for example, you are at a networking event and you want to get a new client, so you will be saying things.
For example, you will be asking questions that will lead to getting the new client, or you are in a bar and you want to find a girlfriend. So you want to ask questions to say things that will lead to the fact that maybe you will be girlfriend boyfriend.
So maybe you will ask if she or he is single. You will maybe try to share stories about yourself. You will ask questions to know each other. It all depends on the situation that you are in.
But my suggestion would be to start asking questions that are not personal. Start with small talk.
Why? Because we want to make the other person feel comfortable.
Don’t start with a question. What is your darkest secrets? Why, because it’s too personal.
So start talking about things that I would say are not really important. Or it’s just about you and the other person, the environment, but things that are not too personal. So that’s why asking the basic question is great.
So if you want to know how I do it, I approach someone. I introduce myself. The person say his or her name. And then I say, what brings you here? Oh, awesome. I’m here because I want to do that.
And then I can observe something in the environment. I can observe something that the person is wearing. I can ask a question, Where are you from? I can even guess where the person is from.
I could say, Oh, you look from South America or you look from Brazil or you look Italian. I would really have fun with conversations. I would ask questions.
I would maybe ask what are your passions and interests? But later in the conversation, not when I meet someone, I would ask.
I would say the boring questions first so that the person can feel comfortable.
Because it’s not only about what you say, but it’s about how the other person is comfortable towards you.
So if you see that you are talking to the other person and the person is not really comfortable towards you, it may be because you are asking questions which are too personal. You are asking questions that the person don’t want to answer or that you are a little bit too direct.
So try to have these social emotional intelligence that says, oh, the person is not comfortable. Maybe I should just talk about something about the environment, about the music, and just share something about myself, something I did today or where I want to go or where my next vacation would be. I could just talk about anything.
And actually, I tried that. I went to bars, to clubs, to networking events, and I had to talk about nonsense. And what I had to do is to say one sentence that would make sense and the other sentence would be total nonsense.
And I was able to get clients. I was able to find new friends. Why, because it’s not about what you say. It’s about how you deal with what you say.
So try to look for things that you can say in interactions. And I really encourage you right now to just sit down and imagine that you are somewhere socially, somewhere of value to you. For example, it can be a networking event, it can be a barm a nightclub, any social place.
And you just write down and you think about the framework. There is the environment between you and the other person, the past of the environment, the future of the environment. For exmaple, if there is an event that will take place here or there was a conference before, there is you the other person.
So there is your present, your future, your past, there is the other’s future, present, past, and you can talk about it. So write down what you could talk about with the other person and just have a general framework.
I would like you to have fun with that.
But never forget when you approach someone, you should have an intention. Your intention can be to have fun, to find a new client, to find a boyfriend, girlfriend, to make a new friend.
But you must have this intention first so that you will lead the conversation that way.
So you can ask yourself this question. What is my intention in that social place? It can be to find a boyfriend or to reconnect with my family.
So if it’s about reconnecting with your family, you will lead what you say and the questions that you ask so that you are able to reconnect with your family. That’s all you need to talk to people.
Takeaways
Key Takeaways – What to Say in Social Interactions
- Nonverbal Over Words
- Communication is only 7% words and 93% nonverbal (tone, eye contact, body language, and overall energy).
- How you say something matters more than the exact words.
- Authenticity Beats Scripts
- Don’t fixate on having the “perfect” line; focus on aligning your words with who you are.
- Speak naturally rather than relying on memorized scripts.
- Expand the Topic Pool
- Conversations aren’t just about you and the other person; they also include:
- The environment (what’s happening around you, music, food, venue).
- Past, present, future for both you and the other person (background, current situation, upcoming events).
- This broadens potential topics, making it easier to keep the conversation flowing.
- Conversations aren’t just about you and the other person; they also include:
- Start Simple (Small Talk)
- Begin with non-personal, “easy” questions—like “How do you know each other?” or “What brings you here?”
- “Boring” questions (e.g., “Where are you from?” “What do you do?”) are fine if asked with genuine interest and positive energy.
- Have a Clear Intention
- Know why you’re initiating a conversation (e.g., making friends, finding a potential client, starting a romantic connection).
- Let your intention guide your questions and storytelling without being too pushy or intrusive.
- Watch Comfort Levels
- Pay attention to the other person’s reactions. If they seem uncomfortable, shift to lighter or more general topics.
- Use social-emotional intelligence to sense whether questions are too personal or direct.
- Content vs. Delivery
- You can talk about almost anything—what matters is confidence, warmth, and natural flow.
- Even “nonsense” can spark good connections if delivered with the right tone and body language.
- Practice a Flexible Framework
- Consider environment (before/after events), personal backgrounds (past/present/future), and shared experiences.
- Jot down possible topics or questions you might use in various social settings.
- Stay adaptable and ready to pivot based on the conversation’s direction.
In essence, how you communicate—your presence, body language, and genuine interest—often matters more than what you say. Start with light, comfortable topics, maintain a clear intention, and adjust according to the other person’s comfort level.
中文总结：如何在社交场合说些什么
- 关注非语言胜过语言本身
- 与人的沟通只有约 7% 来自言语，93% 来自非语言因素（语气、眼神、肢体语言、能量状态等）。
- 换句话说，“怎么说” 比 “说什么” 更重要。
- 真实、自然而非刻意背稿
- 不必纠结所谓的“完美开场白”，要让表达与自己真实的想法和个性相吻合。
- 自然地表达往往更能拉近人与人之间的距离。
- 话题不只局限于你和对方
- 还可以围绕 环境（周围发生的事、音乐、食物、场地氛围）、过去与未来的活动等展开。
- 同时，你和对方各自的过去、现在、未来都能提供许多话题。
- 先从简单的话题或“小聊”入手
- 刚开始时，可用一些不太私密的问题，如“你们是怎么认识的？”或“你为什么会来这里？”
- 即使是“无聊”的提问（如“你来自哪里？”、“你做什么工作？”）也没问题，只要你的语气和态度是积极真诚的。
- 明确交流意图
- 开始交谈前，先想好自己此行的目的：是想交朋友、寻找客户，还是想发展感情？
- 这个意图会影响你问的问题和分享的内容，但记得不要让对方感觉你“目的性太强”。
- 注意对方的舒适度
- 如果对方显得不自在，可能是话题太私密或你语气过于直接。
- 及时转向轻松或更大众化的话题，让对方感到放松。
- 形式比内容更关键
- 有时就算聊“无聊”或看似无关紧要的话题，只要气氛和互动得当，一样能与人建立连接。
- 核心在于你的自信、态度和交流的自然流动。
- 灵活运用“话题框架”
- 想想环境（活动前后）、个人经历（过去/现在/未来）等维度，能大大拓展话题范围。
- 事先可以简单列举自己可能会提及的内容，临场时灵活切换。
简言之，别过度担心“说什么”，更要注意你的态度、肢体语言和真诚度。从轻松、简单的内容开始，保持对对方的尊重和好奇，让交流顺其自然地进行。
